At 07:13 UTC on the 19th December 2015 ScorpInc detected an intrusion into some of the systems that parse raw awkwardness and isolated feelings from social media occurrences as part of our Future Of Invisibility program. It appears that the attacker was able to siphon off copies of the processed interactions for a period of 12 minutes before automated systems were able to correct the problem and force out the intruder. ScorpInc has reviewed the data they were able to pilfer and have ascertained that no financial records were stolen. Unfortunately the attackers did collect somewhere in the range of 1,500 moments of desperation and frustrated loneliness. The majority of this was people checking posts they made up to 7 hours ago which still had zero likes; but a number were from people noticing checkins and pictures from friends at parties and concerts who had told the victims they were stuck at their parents house over Thanksgiving or too ill to catch up.
ScorpInc has made changes to our systems to prevent such a breach occurring again by strengthening the wards on our main firewalls and improving the automated intrusion prevention rites that our servers run. We also understand that it doesn’t help those who have already been affected and could have these moments of weaknesses used against them, so we will be contacting each affected person and offering them 3-months of free “attractive friend living in another country” interactions on social media so they can feel safe that their friends and family definitely think they get up to cool things on the weekend and even some week nights.
When it comes to being the sole party that remembers your most shameful moments; we want you to turn to ScorpInc - the name you will trust. For this reason ScorpInc will continue to eschew traditional law enforcement when it comes to locating the origin of this attack; we care about our customers’ data too much to let justice systems fail you which is why we will pursue and dismantle the offending parties until their true identities no longer exist as even an echo in the symphony of history.